It’s absurd to think about, and the connection would have never once crossed my mind, but once I had seen it, while I scrolled through Facebook- which was already a substantial waste of time- I couldn’t get it out of my mind. The frivolous use of my time had equalled in an even more frivolous use of my thoughts, the quote was a constant memory that resurfaced, and refused to be anything but pondered during the day and contemplated in the evening.  It had read,

“The only people up at 3am are in love, lonely, drunk, or all three.”

Initially I had read it, and promptly dismissed it all in the span of fifteen seconds,but what I didn’t realize, is that the idea that it was true began to take root in my head. After all, it was in a way accurate, because it’s 3am right now, and I’m thinking about you.

It’s the tenth 3am in a row I’ve spent doing this and no, I am not drunk, but I am alone, and it pains me to think this, but I’d be lying to myself if I said I wasn’t in love with you.

It’s like clockwork in away, I fall asleep and I wake up right on schedule. No, my eyes don’t pop open and my mind does not whir to life at exactly at 3am; this isn’t magic, the time does vary, but I do wake up at 2:00 or 2:30, and I always stay awake for the hour. It’s simply a coincidence I know, but still, I can not escape the quote’s words, because it was lead to me to realizing my feelings for you. So now I wake up, alone and in love, and I’ll confess, a few times drunk.

I long for your kiss, your touch, or really any of the varying degrees of human contact. I long not to be laying here alone; to have you to be held by, but instead beside me there is a spot of cold. SoI cling to my covers, in an attempt to stay warm. But the cold is within me.

My emotions are perplexing, I am heartbroken, but at the same time not. I have not been rejected, and I suppose there is a chance he feels the same, after all why should I sell my myself short. In our workplace there is no time for affection, and everything is very strictly professional, I show no hint of my desires, and I know that he would not either, so I suppose it is possible he harbours secret feelings for me. Yet, despite that I am heartbroken because I know it’s absolutely absurd to think there is a chance. My mind is hard wired for science and logic, and the probability that two people out of the 10000+ people they would have encountered in a lifetime both truly loving each other is astronomically impossible. It defies logic, but then again, so does love.

I love you, and that defies logic, because I spent so much time alone, away from the reach of human emotions. You have complicated everything, you make me hit my pillow in absolute frustration, sometimes even cry, even though nothing has gone awry. When you walk by me, my heart beats a millions times faster, and I feel an explosion, a volcanic eruption within me.

Worst of all, I lose sleep over you, I lie there staring at the stucco ceiling above me at 3am wishing you would just take my hand.

 

Source for image: https://www.google.ca/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=&url=http%3A%2F%2Fluluandlattes.com%2F2014%2F08%2F08%2F3am-august-6%2F&psig=AFQjCNHBMKH8wziBYLHfJqnKOa4ZbPhIZg&ust=1447350746421295